Love me (love me not)
by Salazar Marvolo
Summary: He had been fine up until that point, with admiring Kensei's leadership and strength from afar. He hadn't expected to fall in love this quickly. Post Aizen and TYBW. Fluff and Angst.


**A/N:** Never wrote this pairing before but wanted to try something new. To be quite honest the title just popped into my head and I had to write a fanfic with it…so this is what I came up with. Hope you like it! A second chapter with some smexy time might be added later if you want me to ;)

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

Hisagi didn't want to open his eyes. Didn't want to see what the world around him had been reduced to. He just had no strength – no will to do so anymore. Yet he knew he had to. Slowly he cracked his eyes open. His lips curled into a sneer as his downcast gaze fell upon his Zanpakuto.

Like they were made to reap life.

Yes, that is what Kazeshini was. A murderer's weapon – and Hisagi would never think of them differently.

There just was no way – no reason for him to do so. Not when the cackles of his Zapakutos voice chased him even in his nightmares. Not when the visions and memories his Zanpakuto dragged up for him at night – during the day – at any hour; were nothing but his darkest nightmares come to life.

His Zanpakuto was befitting of somebody serving in the 11th. Those brash buffoons would do anything for a good kill or battle.

But that wasn't him.

Or was it? Judging form his Zanpakuto…at his core…at his soul he was no different from them.

And now here he stood, Quincy's dead at his feet. A murderer's job done.

For no matter what form war took – there was neither a good side nor a bad side. They were all just shades of grey fighting for their life, their loved ones and their beliefs.

"Kid."

The voice was so familiar. He had often heard him over the years. Had heard the word first spoken to him by the man which had turned his life around.

"Oi! Kid. Are you listening?"

'_You shouldn't cry. Men don't cry. What's your name?' _

That had been years ago, decades. But he still remembered – the strength in his eyes, the gentleness of his hands on his head, the timber of his voice as he spoke commands. And the horror of seeing his friends die, diminished the longer he had gazed at this man – his hero.

'_Sh-Shuuhei.' _

A smile. _'A good name. You shouldn't cry, Shuuhei. We are here now.'_ His hand was big and warm on his head. He felt more protected than he ever had before in his short life.

"Oi!" A sharp hit on the head finally pulled Hisagi out of his thoughts. He quickly turned towards the source of his disruption.

"C-captain!" He said, straightening up quickly.

"Were did you doze off to? This is still a warzone you know?" His voice was still deep, eyes still gentle and Hisagi knew his hands would still be warm.

"I'm very sorry, sir. It won't happen again."

"Make sure it doesn't." Kensei easily dismissed, turning his back towards Hisagi and motioning for him to follow.

.

.

.

Hisagi stared around at the white walls of the hospital room he was lying in. A thin curtain was all that was separating him from his neighbor in the next bed – a kind illusion of privacy. The war had been hard. Harder even than the one they had fought against Aizen some said. Shuuhei scoffed at the notion. Sure, they had lost more people to the enemy troops but this time…this time the troops moral hadn't been hit as hard as before.

Dying was part of their job. One didn't sign up to become a Shinigami without knowing that any day could be your last.

But betrayal?

Betrayal cut deep and left wounds untreatable by medicine and time. The things Kaname Tousens betrayal had done to the 9th…not even Muguruma-taichou had been able to fully patch them up in the two years' time he had had.

With a soft sigh Hisagi reclined back into the bed, he would have loved to nod off for a few hours, but the sheer number of people present in this one hospital room made it impossible for him to _not_ be on guard the entire time.

Sleeping around people you don't know? A suicide note in the Rukongai. And a habit he could not curb even after years of living in the general peace and safety provided by the Seireitei.

"Oi." Hisagi cracked his eyes open. There between the fold of his curtain stood his Captain.

"Captain! Should you be on your feet yet?" Shuuhei asked, panic already dripping into his voice.

Muguruma raised one had placatingly. "Calm down, will you? Couldn't stay in that damned bed for another second. Being around that many people at once just drives me crazy!"

Shuuhei blinked a few times. "You too?" He asked, "I had assumed the Captains would be given their own rooms at the least!"

Kensei snorted. "And where would they take the space for that, hm? This entire hospital is already bursting at the seams."

Shuuhei blushed and averted his gaze in embarrassment. Kensei stepped though the curtain and motioned for Shuuhei to move his feet. With a deep sigh the grey-haired man let himself fall onto the mattress, crossing his feet as he went.

There was silence for a while, the occasional moan or groan form other patients the only noise breaking the stillness of the air around them.

"I've been meaning to ask for a while…" Kensei suddenly said, trailing off towards the end.

"Yes?"

"Why the face tattoo?"

Hisagi very nearly started sputtering. It was hard enough on him to spend his day around the man he had practically hero-worshipped for years, but to have him ask about a stupid thing he had done when he was younger…and to have to explain to him what it stood for…

"T-that's because…uhm…well I don't think you…you remember…but back in the Rukong-"

"You were that kid I saved back in the Rukongai." Kensei interrupted.

"Y-you knew?"

"Hah, was a guess to be honest. But someone tattooing a 69 on their face isn't all that common, you know?" Kensei said, raising his eyebrow at Shuuhei teasingly. Shuuhei felt the heat of a blush rise in his neck, spreading over his cheeks and nose as he averted his eyes.

"It's okay." Kensei waved him away. „You don't have to explain yourself to me."

But he wanted to. He wanted to explain what Kensei had done for him.

Shown him kindness where nobody else ever had. Shown him gentleness. Shown him strength.

Thanks to Kensei, Shuuhei had joined the 9th. To serve in the same Division as his idol. During his days at the academy he had worked hard, had studied more than any of his classmates. With the goal of getting accepted into the 9th and wearing a Haori with Kensei's name on it, like so many of his squad did.

And then the news had reached him.

'…_at the time, it is known that seven Captains and Lieutenants have been experimented on – the procedure they were put under is called Hollowfication. And the person responsible…is none other than the Captain of Division 12 – Kisuke Urahara.' _

And his world had gone up in flames. His dreams slipping through his finger like quicksand.

How was he supposed to pay back the kindness which was shown to him? How was he supposed to ever even utter a 'Thank you' into the man's direction if he was to be killed on sight?

When the news of their escape had spread, there was pandemonium in the Seireitei. Many Captains seats were open and many Divisions without lead – it was a hard time for the Gotei 13.

Betrayal always is.

Shuuhei though…had felt relieved. Escape meant freedom. Escape meant…alive. Hopefully.

As soon as he had finished his training he had joined the 9th. Because there had never been another place for him. With Tousen as their Captain the 9th had thrived. They were the Division of Justice and Law. Shuuhei liked it that way. Even if he not always agreed with the laws and believes which the Seireitei and the Central 46 held – he knew he could do nothing but see to it that justice had been served. And he silently vowed to take revenge against Kisuke Urahara should he ever get the chance.

Tousen-taichou promoted him to his Lieutenant. Hisagi wanted nothing more than to do Kensei proud. To be the lieutenant he would have been under his lead. It took him long. Longer than any other lieutenant before him to truly accept his Captain. His respect for Tousen rose when he helped him understand his fear of battle. His fear of…his own powers. And he came…to live with himself. Grudgingly and slowly.

And then…Tousen betrayed them.

There are no words for the wounds this left on the 9th. Many times, Shuuhei thought his division was doomed.

He did all he could. Because he wanted to be a lieutenant which would make Kensei proud.

The relive and happiness he felt when Muguruma was announced as their new Captain…was beyond anything he had ever felt before.

.

.

.

"_Okaay! Listen up you all! A few things are going to change around here! First of all, your Lieutenant is gonna stay but the third seat is gonna be replaced by Mashiro over there! Go fight it out if you have to." Here he turned towards Mashiro slightly. "Don't kill him though." He turned back towards the assembled crowd. _

"_I want all of you to be up at 05:00 am sharp tomorrow! We will start screening and might change the ranks as they currently are. If you have kept up with your training, you shouldn't have to worry! Any other changes will be announced as we go. Now: Scram!" The assembled division had never before left quite that fast. _

"_Hisagi-fukutaichou! Stay behind!" _

_Hisagi had felt his heart starting to hammer in his chest as he stepped closer to Kensei, approaching him as one would a wild animal. _

"_Yes Captain?" He inquired cautiously. _

"_You have taken care of this Division by yourself up until now, correct?" Kensei asked. _

_Shuuhei cleared his voice. "Not…not completely on my own. Amagai-san, the third seat-" _

"_Is absolutely useless." Kensei interrupted, giving him an appraising look. _

_A warm hand landed on his head, ruffling his black hair gently. "Well done." _

_With those words Kensei had turned and vanished into his office. Shuuhei had stood rooted to the spot absolutely motionless. He had slowly risen his hand and touched his disheveled hair. His heart was hammering in his chest as it had never done before. _

_He had been fine up until that point, with admiring Kensei's leadership and strength from afar. _

_He hadn't expected to fall in love this quickly. _

.

.

.

"Ne, Captain?" Shuuhei asked.

"Hnn?" Came his Captain's reply, he was lying back, arms corssed behind his head and eyes closed.

"Thank you."

Kensei cracked one of his eyes open and shot him a glance.

"Whatever for?" He inquired.

"Saving me back then, in the Rukongai." Shuuhei said, playing with the edges of his blanket.

"I was doing my job, you know? Couldn't have left you to die now, could I?" Kensei answered, shrugging his shoulders.

"I know that, Captain…but you…saved me. Not just that…you…were kind to me…so…Thank you."

Kensei stifled a sigh. "If it makes you happy…Your welcome. I was still only doing my job."

Shuuhei suppressed a smile as he looked at his Captain. The man could be adorably easy to read at times. Shuuhei could see the small pleased blush that had appeared around his ears when he had thanked him.

"Captain?" Shuuhei broke the silence which had stretched around them, once more.

"Hmmn?" Came the sleepy answer from next to him.

"I love you."

Those words apparently hadn't been expected, for the older man sat up and stared at him as if he'd grown a second head.

"…What?" Kensei asked eloquently.

"I love you." Shuuhei repeated, refusing for once to blush and look away.

"Haha! G-good joke that's really-" But he broke off his sentence as he saw that Shuuhei wasn't joining his laughter – nor was he looking away.

"Kid…" Kensei said slowly, a frown marring his face. "You really shouldn't joke about that."

"I'm not joking. I love you." Shuuhei repeated.

"Y-you can't be serious! I'm five times your age!"

"I don't care."

"Well, I do!" Kensei replied, staring at him wide-eyed. "Listen…do you even know me?"

"…not as well as I want to…" Shuuhei allowed, his voice softer now then it was before.

"And how do you know that you…love me? Are you sure that you love me? That hero-worship of yours could infract your judgement." Kensei said, sounding dubious.

"But I…I do love you…And I know it is love because…because…I – fuck I can't even look at you without my heart jumping out of my chest! I can't stop fucking thinking about you! I can't breathe when you're this close…I feel like I'm going crazy…And when they told us, all those years ago that they were planning to kill you, but you managed to escape – I was so relieved. And you came back and were the same as before and I couldn't fucking help it! Do you think I want this? I was happy serving you however I could, but you just had to be so – so gentle and kind and praising me. Always. Fucking. Praising. Me. And how the ever-loving hell was I not supposed to fall in love with you?" Shuuhei ranted away and it felt like a burden had fallen off his shoulders.

Two years he had spent trying to shove his feeling aside. Wishing himself to turn back into the hero-worshipping lieutenant he had been before. But it was impossible.

When he had seen Kensei die on the battlefield. It had nearly broken him.

When he'd had to raise his sword against his zombified Captain it had nearly destroyed him.

But here they were once again, both – miraculously – alive and well.

Slowly Shuuhei looked up again, meeting his Captains gaze.

"…fuck…" Kensei whispered softly. And the next thing Shuuhei knew were a pair of very soft lips descending on his own. His eyes fell close automatically, and he reached out with his hands to hold onto strong muscular shoulders. The bed creaked in protest as they shifted.

Kensei was pressing him down in this mattress, hovering over him as he balanced himself with his hands next to Shuuheis head. Their kiss deepened slowly, tongues sweeping over lips and begging for entrance. Shuuhei was the first to give in and opened his mouth for his Captain, letting him explore his cavern hotly while he twisted his hands into Kensei's grey hair.

A low groan reached their ears and they sprung apart. Both of them were breathing heavily, staring at each other. As one their gaze turned towards the thin curtain keeping them away from all the other patients in the room.

Kensei detangled himself from Shuuhei and took his former place once again.

Shuuhei wasn't sure why he didn't raise his voice and question his Captain, but he settled back into his pillow and let the silence around them drag him off to sleep.

When he awoke Kensei was gone.

.

.

.

"Captain!" Shuuhei called, jogging after Muguruma. "I have the reports from the 6th!"

"Place them on my desk. Then go downstairs and gather the new recruits for their training. I expect you to be able to handle their supervision." Came the curt answer.

"Yes, sir!" Shuuhei said, running off to do as he had been told.

The day in the hospital was now months ago. They had settled back into their normal routine after the both of them had been released from the hospitable. Neither of them had spoken of their kiss. Shuuhei wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer should he ever dare to ask his Captain about his actions.

A moment of weakness and one single kiss was no confession. And Shuuhei knew his Captain would have approached him long ago if he had anything else to say on the matter.

He didn't need to hear his rejection. He didn't want to hear his rejection.

Licking his wounds in silence was more his style.

It was pathetic almost, what Kensei had reduced him to. He still got ridiculously happy every time the man acknowledged some of Shuuheis work, his heartbeat still quickened the second his eyes settled on him…but worse of all…when his eyes strayed to his Captains mouth he couldn't help but remember the feeling of those lips against his.

It was torture.

But he carried on. The war against the Quincy might have ended but many things needed sorting out, they didn't have a man to spare or a second to catch their breath.

War meant bureaucracy. And bureaucracy meant overtime.

Shuuhei shook his head as he placed the reports on his Captains desk. His eyes took in the littered surface of the workspace and he sighed. With quick motions he started gathering papers and putting them in order.

In a matter of minutes, the place no longer looked like utter chaos. Satisfied with his work Shuuhei stood back and smiled.

He turned but caught sight of something. With narrowed eyes he pulled a notebook from between a couple of stacks of paper. Curiosity piqued he opened the cover and started flipping though it.

Sketches upon sketches opened up for him, some were of landscapes in the world of the living, others of Hirako-taichou and the other Captains which had joined their ranks once again. Shuuhei reached the last page. His heart stopped and started a stuttering rhythm as he saw a sketch of himself, lying in a hospital bed and sleeping soundly.

With burning cheeks, he closed the book again and placed it back where he had found it.

He had no idea whether he was supposed to bring his discovery up to his Captain, but after a second of contemplation he decided against it – Kensei was a private man. He wouldn't appreciate Shuuhei snooping around in his business.

Taking a deep breath Shuuhei turned to leave the office.

A pair of green eyes stared back at him.

"M-mashiro-san!" He yelled, backing away from the woman.

"Hmm wonder what Ken~sei~ would say if he knew you went taking peeks at his notebook ~" She sang at him happily.

"Please…don't tell him? I-I'll give you candy…?" He tried to bribe her.

She seemed to think on it for a minute, tilting her head and staring at him in contemplation.

"Hmm…I like you!" She declared.

"Uhm okay? So, you won't tell him?" Shuuhei asked hopefully.

"No silly! I like you! That's why I'll tell Kensei!"

Before Shuuhei could stop her, she bounded out of the room, yelling for Kensei at the top of her lungs. Shuuhei hung his head in defeat.

Their third seat was crazy. Insane. Absolutely bonkers. And scarily strong. There was no way in hell he could make her shut up.

"Hisagi-fukutaichou!" Another voice startled Shuuhei out of his misery. He looked up only to meet his Captains thunderous expression.

"C-captain!" Shuuhei slowly backed away.

"Is it true?" Kensei asked.

"Is what true?"

"Mashiro said you…looked at something which belongs to me."

Nervously clearing his throat Shuuhei shifted from one foot to the other in uncertainty.

It seemed to have been enough of an answer for his Captain. He started cursing in a variety of languages. His haori billowing he turned and banged his office door shut.

"You saw, didn't you?" He asked Shuuhei, his back still turned towards the black-haired man.

"…yes." Shuuhei confessed softly.

"Tch." Kensei made before turning and fixating a stern gaze onto Shuuhei.

"I didn't expect you to go around ruffling through my belongings." He said, sounding strict and unimpressed.

Shuuhei pulled a face and looked at the floor. "I apologize…Muguruma-taichou. It-it won't happen again."

"Hmm. I expect it not to. I don't want my lovers looking at my things, every single person deserves some privacy, wouldn't you agree?"

Shuuhei was just about to nod his head and excuse himself when Kenseis words finally registered with him.

"I-I'm sorry, sir? L-lovers?" He stuttered, staring at Kensei.

"I expect that is what we will be from here on out. I'm not overly fond of the term 'boyfriend', makes me sound like a schoolboy." He elaborated, raising one eyebrow at Shuuhei in challenge.

"I-uhm sir? W-why…? I-I mean, you didn't show any interest…so why…I don't-?"

Kensei must have stepped closed to him as Shuuhei was mumbling out his question for he was interrupted by a rather harsh kiss pressed onto his lips.

"I tried, really I did." Kensei said as he pulled back from Shuuheis lips, letting his head fall onto his shoulder with a small laugh. "I tried so hard to keep you at arm's length. But you just have to follow me everywhere like some lost puppy, don't you? Quite frankly I'm tired of your sad puppy dog eyes and those damned stares following me everywhere. So that's it. I give up. You win."

"I-I win?" Shuuhei asked, head still in a daze from the kiss.

"Yes, you win. Love me as much as you want, you absolute idiot."


End file.
